My big sister...by kim

I saw my big sister today, she is beautiful, smart, and a gifted artist, we were about 2 feet from eachother at the grocery store. She was talking to Cheese, she loves him I think.

I moved out here to have a better relationship with her. That was about 9 years ago. For 5 years it was pretty decent, about 4 years ago, her and I had a huge falling out. Now when we see eachother, we pretend we don't see eachother. This kills me.

A bit of history:

My sister is 10 years older than me.
I don't think she was too happy that I was born.
I was born, during a time when my parents were having a hard time in their marriage.
After me it got a little better, maybe for 2 years.
My sister was in junior high during those really bad times.
We lived in Germany those years and she had no supervision, and apparently had to babysit alot.
I adore my sister, I always wanted her to adore me as much.
I killed her guppies with perfume when I was 4, they smelled I said, she was so mad!
When we moved back to the states, my sister was used to being on her own, when we moved back to the states, there were rules, she rebelled, big time!
I was 6 when she ran away from home. I cried every day and wrote notes in her yearbook that she left behind, she still has those, and she just showed her daughter how I had done that.
She used to go to the neighbors and babysit, I would sneak over.
She told me as adults, that she was the one that raised me, she did all the work, she lost her childhood because of me, I don't remember it that way at all. (peoples perception are different in some situations)
She hated babysitting for me, and she let me know it.
My sister is not the warm cuddly type, but I somehow knew she loved me.
She made all my Halloween costumes, wonderwoman, statue of liberty, a leopard, a fancy ballerina and a cowgirl.
She always was the one who put on my birthday parties for me.
She moved back when I was around 7. I was so happy. She had no time for me, and I really annoyed her, getting in her high heels and prom dresses.
She got pregnant when she was 19, she moved out again, I think she moved out when she was 18 too, she was always leaving and coming.
I was so happy when she had my nephew, there was 10 years difference between him and me.
I babysat and visited her anytime I could have the chance.
When my nephew was 2, she left her husband, I think she had an affair.
She moved back home, I was so happy.
She moved out about 4 months later, with a guy (when she told me about him, she said "Kimmie, he has a boat, 2 motorcycles, his own house, he's an engineer!"), she married him and moved to TN, then NY.
During that time, I got pregnant, out of wedlock, just like her, she thought my parents would be so disappointed in me, they supported me. They supported her too, but she didn't see that. I was spoiled, they liked me better, she thought.
I started beauty school, instead of going to college.
My mother said to my sister, "Kimberly wants to go to beauty school, can you see that, she should be a teacher, she's great with kids", my sister said, "I actually can see that, she should go for it, she'd be great", my mom said "Oh, so we should support her in this decision?" my sister said "YES!"
I was so grateful for her support.
She became a teacher, I was so proud of her!!
My parents and I are very close, they drive me nuts all the time, but we have a special bond.
When my sister was graduating with a masters (she's brilliant and gifted, very smart, btw) she said, "I have a masters degree in chemistry, and you have this little 2 year degree, and they are more impressed with you, I don't get it!" I felt terrible!
My mom and her, have always butted heads, they barely talk at all. For 3 years nothing at all, and now just in the past year, they have some conversations.
My brother in law and her stayed married for about 15 years, they had one daughter, after Pickles, the two of them are great cousins.
She was very happy that she gave my Father the first granddaughter, she mentioned she hoped she would probably be the only one to give him a girl, but then my brother had his daughter, she was disappointed again.
She left my brother in law, she had an affair. It was the second one she had on him, possibly the 3rd.
She didn't tell any of us that she was having an affair, she lied, said she just needed to be happy, I didn't blame her, my brother in law was working and traveling 70% of the time.
I found out she was having an affair, when we were supposed to have a "sisters weekend" I was so excited to finally have this relationship I dreamt about!!
Then she told me, she had "hired" a guide, me being naive, asked how much it cost?
When she told me about "him" she said "Kimmie, he is a stockbroker, he already has a rolex picked out for me, he will keep a mercedes SUV up here for us, and he has a trip to Bermuda planned." (He never had any of those things, and consequently moved up here, and didn't work for 2 years, no job, no car, no rolex, she got screwed!
My sister would cut her nose off despite her face!!
We met "him" I was okay with it, at first, then things got really sketchy.
It will be just easier to say, I did not have a good impression of him.
Normally I love everyone, I see the good in everyone.
My mother guessed it, she asked me, did you guys meet up with someone in NYC, I said NO!
She said, not someone who worked on wall street? I caved, I needed the burden off of me.
My mother told my brother in law.
My sister flipped, I betrayed her.
My brother in law and I are pretty close. I get to see my niece through him.
More stuff happened, things only got worse.
There is so much more to the story, but it is irrelevant right now.
After all that, she has done some really awful things to me, to get me back, If I told you all of it, you would be shocked and amazed at the spitefullness. Maybe some other day, this is too much for me now.

It has been 4 years, she is married to the guy, she is not the same sister I knew, she doesn't have that beautiful glow, she looks hardened.

She dropped my nephew like a hot potato, his first year of college, he had to drop out, he lived with me for the next year, he is my savior, we helped eachother out more than either of us will ever realize. I adore him, I'm like his big sister, he says!

She sees Cheese, (my mom says, that cheese is the spitting image of my personality when I was a kid, in her opinion, she says my sister sees that and wants to be around him, I'm just glad he is able to know her, I think she thinks it pisses me off, but in actuality, I am very happy about it) she does not see much of Pickles, she for some reason has always been really cold to him and tough on him. Pickles is a favorite of my mom and dad, once again, something I did, took the luster out of something she had, or something like that.

Part of me realizes why she has had issues with infidelity, she saw alot of my mom and dad's problems. I mean alot!!
Part of me sees why she resents me, life was good before I was born. I came along and ruined it all. She would have liked to been an only child, she said that all the time!
I cry every time I see her, and seeing the movie "In her shoes" threw me right over the edge, I cried for days.
We are both stubborn people. We are German, dont'cha know?
I love my big sister, just like when I was 5 looking at the beautiful 15 year old she was, and right now, I am missing her so much it hurts and I can't stop crying. I needed to blog about it, to hopefully get it out of my system. I love my big sister, but I'm not sure, I will ever have her in my life again. My heart breaks right now.

When we got back from the market, Cheese saw me crying, he wondered why. I told him, "I miss my sister", he said "then call her! Just call her!" I cannot. I wish it were that simple! I sent her an email 3 years ago, after my uncle died, telling her I loved her just like I did when I was 5. She never responded. I've always loved and needed her more, she hasn't had much need for me, I think.

The frog says, "many people really care for you, focus your love on those people, forgive your sister and we'll forget about her". That gave me an actual pain in my chest. I will not forget about her, but I forgive her. Hopefully someday time will heal and hopefully before it's too late, we can stop pretending we don't see eachother.

I'm a big girl now, I should be able to handle this, right? Tell me it will get easier with time, right? Everything happens for a reason, right?