Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My big sister...by kim



I saw my big sister today, she is beautiful, smart, and a gifted artist, we were about 2 feet from eachother at the grocery store. She was talking to Cheese, she loves him I think.

I moved out here to have a better relationship with her. That was about 9 years ago. For 5 years it was pretty decent, about 4 years ago, her and I had a huge falling out. Now when we see eachother, we pretend we don't see eachother. This kills me.

A bit of history:

My sister is 10 years older than me.
I don't think she was too happy that I was born.
I was born, during a time when my parents were having a hard time in their marriage.
After me it got a little better, maybe for 2 years.
My sister was in junior high during those really bad times.
We lived in Germany those years and she had no supervision, and apparently had to babysit alot.
I adore my sister, I always wanted her to adore me as much.
I killed her guppies with perfume when I was 4, they smelled I said, she was so mad!
When we moved back to the states, my sister was used to being on her own, when we moved back to the states, there were rules, she rebelled, big time!
I was 6 when she ran away from home. I cried every day and wrote notes in her yearbook that she left behind, she still has those, and she just showed her daughter how I had done that.
She used to go to the neighbors and babysit, I would sneak over.
She told me as adults, that she was the one that raised me, she did all the work, she lost her childhood because of me, I don't remember it that way at all. (peoples perception are different in some situations)
She hated babysitting for me, and she let me know it.
My sister is not the warm cuddly type, but I somehow knew she loved me.
She made all my Halloween costumes, wonderwoman, statue of liberty, a leopard, a fancy ballerina and a cowgirl.
She always was the one who put on my birthday parties for me.
She moved back when I was around 7. I was so happy. She had no time for me, and I really annoyed her, getting in her high heels and prom dresses.
She got pregnant when she was 19, she moved out again, I think she moved out when she was 18 too, she was always leaving and coming.
I was so happy when she had my nephew, there was 10 years difference between him and me.
I babysat and visited her anytime I could have the chance.
When my nephew was 2, she left her husband, I think she had an affair.
She moved back home, I was so happy.
She moved out about 4 months later, with a guy (when she told me about him, she said "Kimmie, he has a boat, 2 motorcycles, his own house, he's an engineer!"), she married him and moved to TN, then NY.
During that time, I got pregnant, out of wedlock, just like her, she thought my parents would be so disappointed in me, they supported me. They supported her too, but she didn't see that. I was spoiled, they liked me better, she thought.
I started beauty school, instead of going to college.
My mother said to my sister, "Kimberly wants to go to beauty school, can you see that, she should be a teacher, she's great with kids", my sister said, "I actually can see that, she should go for it, she'd be great", my mom said "Oh, so we should support her in this decision?" my sister said "YES!"
I was so grateful for her support.
She became a teacher, I was so proud of her!!
My parents and I are very close, they drive me nuts all the time, but we have a special bond.
When my sister was graduating with a masters (she's brilliant and gifted, very smart, btw) she said, "I have a masters degree in chemistry, and you have this little 2 year degree, and they are more impressed with you, I don't get it!" I felt terrible!
My mom and her, have always butted heads, they barely talk at all. For 3 years nothing at all, and now just in the past year, they have some conversations.
My brother in law and her stayed married for about 15 years, they had one daughter, after Pickles, the two of them are great cousins.
She was very happy that she gave my Father the first granddaughter, she mentioned she hoped she would probably be the only one to give him a girl, but then my brother had his daughter, she was disappointed again.
She left my brother in law, she had an affair. It was the second one she had on him, possibly the 3rd.
She didn't tell any of us that she was having an affair, she lied, said she just needed to be happy, I didn't blame her, my brother in law was working and traveling 70% of the time.
I found out she was having an affair, when we were supposed to have a "sisters weekend" I was so excited to finally have this relationship I dreamt about!!
Then she told me, she had "hired" a guide, me being naive, asked how much it cost?
When she told me about "him" she said "Kimmie, he is a stockbroker, he already has a rolex picked out for me, he will keep a mercedes SUV up here for us, and he has a trip to Bermuda planned." (He never had any of those things, and consequently moved up here, and didn't work for 2 years, no job, no car, no rolex, she got screwed!
My sister would cut her nose off despite her face!!
We met "him" I was okay with it, at first, then things got really sketchy.
It will be just easier to say, I did not have a good impression of him.
Normally I love everyone, I see the good in everyone.
My mother guessed it, she asked me, did you guys meet up with someone in NYC, I said NO!
She said, not someone who worked on wall street? I caved, I needed the burden off of me.
My mother told my brother in law.
My sister flipped, I betrayed her.
My brother in law and I are pretty close. I get to see my niece through him.
More stuff happened, things only got worse.
There is so much more to the story, but it is irrelevant right now.
After all that, she has done some really awful things to me, to get me back, If I told you all of it, you would be shocked and amazed at the spitefullness. Maybe some other day, this is too much for me now.

It has been 4 years, she is married to the guy, she is not the same sister I knew, she doesn't have that beautiful glow, she looks hardened.

She dropped my nephew like a hot potato, his first year of college, he had to drop out, he lived with me for the next year, he is my savior, we helped eachother out more than either of us will ever realize. I adore him, I'm like his big sister, he says!

She sees Cheese, (my mom says, that cheese is the spitting image of my personality when I was a kid, in her opinion, she says my sister sees that and wants to be around him, I'm just glad he is able to know her, I think she thinks it pisses me off, but in actuality, I am very happy about it) she does not see much of Pickles, she for some reason has always been really cold to him and tough on him. Pickles is a favorite of my mom and dad, once again, something I did, took the luster out of something she had, or something like that.

Part of me realizes why she has had issues with infidelity, she saw alot of my mom and dad's problems. I mean alot!!
Part of me sees why she resents me, life was good before I was born. I came along and ruined it all. She would have liked to been an only child, she said that all the time!
I cry every time I see her, and seeing the movie "In her shoes" threw me right over the edge, I cried for days.
We are both stubborn people. We are German, dont'cha know?
I love my big sister, just like when I was 5 looking at the beautiful 15 year old she was, and right now, I am missing her so much it hurts and I can't stop crying. I needed to blog about it, to hopefully get it out of my system. I love my big sister, but I'm not sure, I will ever have her in my life again. My heart breaks right now.

When we got back from the market, Cheese saw me crying, he wondered why. I told him, "I miss my sister", he said "then call her! Just call her!" I cannot. I wish it were that simple! I sent her an email 3 years ago, after my uncle died, telling her I loved her just like I did when I was 5. She never responded. I've always loved and needed her more, she hasn't had much need for me, I think.

The frog says, "many people really care for you, focus your love on those people, forgive your sister and we'll forget about her". That gave me an actual pain in my chest. I will not forget about her, but I forgive her. Hopefully someday time will heal and hopefully before it's too late, we can stop pretending we don't see eachother.

I'm a big girl now, I should be able to handle this, right? Tell me it will get easier with time, right? Everything happens for a reason, right?

14 Comments:

At April 20, 2006, Blogger jen said...

the only thing more complicated than sister to sister relationships are mother to daughter. We women are complicate creatures, aren't we.

That said, there is nothing harder than wanting a relationship with someone who doesn't. It tears you apart.

You are surrounded by tons of love and support and friends and joy and all the good stuff in the world, but that doesn't mean you'll ever stop looking for that relationship with your sister.

My mom was one of five girls. I grew up surrounded by smart, funny passionate women who loved each other and hated each other passionately.
Throughout thier lives they fought. sometimes for years. my mom hadn't spoken to her youngest sister in over 8 years when she died. Another sister in 2 years. you would think that her death would shake the rest of them out of their trees so as to value each other more as the four remaining women were devestated. But it didn't. And then another sister died. Now there are three left and they still fight for months at a time. old jealousies and crimes cannot be forgotten nor forgiven by these women, regardless of the circumstance and if you talk to them, each will say how much she misses her sisters, yet all of them want a relationship on her terms only. its a freakin' mess.

We, as women, tend to wound each other so deeply. Add growing up in the same house with similar but very different parents and somethings can never be overcome.

You've tried your best. Will always have that need and it might not ever be fulfilled. like any past relationship that comes back to haunt with what could have been, should have been, bumping into her brings it all back.

we never get over loving or losing our sisters.

 
At April 20, 2006, Anonymous Doc said...

Oh honey, I know (sadly) exactly what you are feeling. I've been through it, and still am.
I wish I had nice magical words to make things better, but I don't. Just be there when she needs you, never stop loving her, and keep the lines of ommunication open, even if only in one direction.

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger Pam said...

I feel compelled to say that you are NOT responsible the actions, reactions or choices of your sister. Seems you may feel that you are? Maybe I'm wrong about that.

It also seems to me that you've demonstrated, and feel, unconditional love for your sister...amazing for sure.

Let me echo Doc a bit - the love you have felt - still feel - for your sister is worth feeling...stay open to possibilities...and I too wish I had some magical words to make things better!

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger traveller one said...

What a powerful post Kim. In our lives we are given opportunities to love, and that's our responsibility. That's all. You come through on your blog as a very awesome, loving woman and your sister is truly missing out on receiving your love.

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger Kim/Thomas said...

Thank you so much, the words you have given me, have cut my crying/grieving time in half. (Thank you blogger God)

I do hold myself responsible, I feel like, if I would have just answered my brother in law, with a resounding NO, (my mother told my BIL, "i figured it out on my own, why don't you just ask Kimberly, she can tell you" and so he asked me "did you guys meet up with someone in NYC?" and I was afraid to get caught in a lie, so I caved) but if I would have just lied and said, NO! Things would have been different, maybe...

I am so afraid of something happening to one of us, and then having to live with the consequences of not speaking to eachother, the regret we'll feel, or rather i'll feel...

The thing is, if when I saw her, I could see that she was as visibly shaken as me, I would try again, but, I just see this indignant face...

The frog gave my boys a lecture, a very moving one, perfectly said, about brotherhood and how a brother will always be there for you, but that you must nurture it now, it was so beautiful and moving, both boys were crying and hugging eachother and it was just enough said that they realized the importance they have in eachothers life..I was in the kitchen crying, wishing my parents had done the same for her, he had mainly been talking to Pickles, as he is the one who is kind of brushing his brother aside for friends or whatever, he was telling him that this little kid thinks of you as his idol, you are more important to him than his own mother, he looks up to you...I was so touched and pickles was too, he just needed that, he needed someone to point out the obvious, that was over a week ago, and he is treating his brother differently..its amazing! (Thanks God for the frog)

If I were the parent of us two girls, I would have that same talk, no matter the age, I would not rest until those two were talking again...Unfortunately, in my family, "its our problem" we should take care of it ourselves, that and my mom has no problem writing any of us out of her lives, she didn't talk to my brother for 4 years after his wedding, and my sister for 3. So far she has never outted me, well not for longer than a couple of months...sigh..family, you cannot chooose your family, Thanks God you can choose your friends!!

Thank you again for you kind words, I cannot express enough how they helped!! (Thanks God again for blogger and frog:)

k

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

you have the key in forgiveness, but only she can open the door. I hope time will heal her woundness.

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger wendy said...

Sad Kim...my older sister was the same when we were growing up..right up until she finally had a more materialistic life than me. (More 'things').

She hated me and always accused my parents of loving me more..I was punched, hit, tortured by her and I came to loathe her for a while, when I about 12...she did all she could to make my life unhappy...and was always jealous of me and comparing our lives...literally until about 12 years ago.

Thankfully, a few years ago we finally mended the rift and I love her to bits now..she has turned into the kindest person I know..soft-hearted, generous and giving of herself. But it took years and years and years...lots of therapy for her..lots of sorting things out with my parents.

The thing is we never gave up on her. You just hang around and love your sister from far.

 
At April 20, 2006, Anonymous Alison said...

I can't add any more than what's already been said. I am sorry that you are going through this, but remember that it isn't your fault!

 
At April 20, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We do and say things to family that we would never dare to do to others. I have learned from living far away from my family that I need them but that I will never change them. You can only change yourself. This is not an easy lesson and one that I continuously have to learn over and over.

I go visit my family a couple times a year because I WANT to see them - I have learned not to expect them to come to see me. That will not change - no matter how much I have tried to tactfully point out their failure to see me. I go because I WANT my children to know them.

Take advantage of opportunities to connect with your sister because that is what you want. Hope for a change but don't expect one. And don't forget to focus on all the wonderful people in your life who provide you with things you didn't even know you needed or wanted. It is always easy to see what is not there and sometimes overlook what you have. Good luck.

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger Expat Traveler said...

oh wow that was deep. I don't really have advice because I get along with my family well. But I think the 8 other comments before me have helped you already!

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger moe said...

My relationship with my sister was often strained. There was jealousy and blame. I will not go into all the details but, she did some things that were very hurtful to me and my family when we opened our doors to her. Since then, she seems to have matured some. I do not approve of many of the choices she has made but, I try to accept her for who she is. I accept our relationship for what it is.

In your case, the problem was not that you told anyone about her infidelity, it was the infidelity itself. She can blame you but, only she is in control of her actions.

I agree that you should try to keep communicating even if it is one sided. With my sister, I continued to talk to her about whatever she was willing to talk about. We have never talked about what happened and I don't think it is nescessary. The past is the past. We can be sisters today.

My husband's family is awesome. There are 6 siblings all living close and we get together all the time. They offer so much support it more than makes up for what is lacking in my family. They are also great role models for my 5 kids.

Best of luck with your sister. Don't blame yourself, keep trying. Maybe one day she'll come around. In the meantime cherish the ones who love you.

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger Kim/Thomas said...

Thank you so much my virtual friends, I'm a little better, but it really hit me this time, I've been able to keep it out of sight out of mind for 4 years, but being 2 feet from her was too much! I also had like 3 dreams of her this week, so that didn't help either!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, funny how people you have never met, can help you so much:)
kim

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger Pardon My French said...

You've also got my support! I'm sorry things are rough right now with your sis. Hang in there!

 
At February 17, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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